Milestones are a great reminder of how far we have come in our journey and it’s important to celebrate them.
I didn’t always believe this though.
My husband and I are celebrating our 26th wedding anniversary today! Last year we had a huge celebration for our 25th year by renewing our wedding vows with over 75 family and friends to acknowledge this milestone. It was also a family reunion so win/win!
We never used to celebrate this date as it was a reminder for my husband about his parents who have both passed on to the other side. You see we were married in Newfoundland the day before their 30th wedding anniversary and not having them here was sad for him so he never felt much like celebrating. Add in that his father’s unexpected death was only a couple of weeks before our anniversary so the end of September and leading to our anniversary was a sad and depressing time for him for many years.
I used to be disappointed and deep down I felt angry and ripped off for not being able to look forward to and enjoy celebrating our love together on this day. For a long time I denied my feelings as being selfish because hey, it wasn’t me who had lost her parents within 4 years of each other while supporting and raising a family in another province. So I buried my feelings and they were not validated nor expressed.
As the years went on I could look at it from his point of view. Did the date really matter? Only if I made it matter. I could see how so many memories, good and bad, would come flooding back to him so I let it go and sent him extra love on these days. Over time the memories faded and it became a little easier for him. Grief is one of those things, you can’t determine how long it will take to feel back to somewhat normal again and you never know when it is going to show up out of the blue either. After a few years I decided to try another approach and we started celebrating our special day on the day we met, May 26, 1990.
Last year was different though, enough time has passed that he’s in a better place and we decided to do a big celebration of how far we have come!
All is well and great right? Well no, not quite…
At the end of October last year, about 3 weeks after the big day we fell into a rut, a deep one. From feeling so much gratitude for our relationship having passed the test of time and looking forward to our years to come we had bottled up all the loose ends and things we dismissed unknowingly. We had a lot of preparation to host family coming from across Canada so we metaphorically shoved it all in a box and put it away.
Well, once the big day was over and we were back to normal we started annoying each other, that turned to disagreements which turned to agreeing to disagree and then eventually those disagreements turned into definite issues of lack of trust, happiness and direction in our relationship.
What!? We went from love and bliss to complete breakdown in a matter of weeks! Something was up.…
In the line of work I am in he doesn’t have a whole lot of choice but to keep up with my evolution, the work I do and the events I’m interested in raise my vibration and my energy pulls him along whether he likes it or not. It also happens to others in my energy field, my daughter feels it too.
My husband works full time and I have more flexibility and opportunity to address my emotions and nurture myself so I do have an edge on him in this area. It is a big part of what I teach to others so I must do it for myself. He does it too but not to the degree I am.
I am not saying I’m better than anyone else, we are all where we need to be on our journey and there are many different stages we go through in life. There is no one person better than another however many people have been called to take their lives to higher levels of consciousness to create the change we want to see in the world and in humanity.
Energetically speaking, when one person in a relationship is healing and growing faster than the other it’s going to make waves.
It doesn’t help that my hubby and I spend our days in different worlds, he works in the material world, the old paradigm that most of the world is firmly rooted in and I mainly work in the new paradigm, of the spiritual world.
These two worlds are polar opposite points of view much of the time and as much as we can both appreciate each other’s paths and do our best to be in both worlds simultaneously we can have different vibrations we are in depending on our day.
So we had to get real, and be honest with each other, around our roles in our relationship, our home and individually. We have been shifting and changing at a faster speed in the last 5 years that we have in our relationship and we have seen that old patterns are sometimes hard to break so we unknowingly slip back into these old ways of being and then go in circles. Until we catch it and become more self-aware.
You might be thinking, wow after all those years and you’re still going in circles… is that really a relationship you want to stay in?
Yes it is, not because we are married and are obligated to or because we love each other deeply, it’s bigger than that. I know my husband and I are in each other’s lives to help each other grow. Our relationship creates experiences that require healing for us to move past them, we have been doing this ever since we met which was very synchronistical and our whole relationship has been this way.
I’m very proud of the fact we have moved past many challenges which no longer come up and I also see we are still a work in progress doing our best. We always reconnect after whatever has been going on and because we have done the inner work we can be open and honest while supporting and validating each other in where we are on our journeys. Essentially this is what marriage is about in my opinion.
The fastest and most effective way to heal and grow is outside of our comfort zone, which means we can make each other very uncomfortable, we push each other’s limits, we challenge each other and often times it’s a ride of the waves which can get turbulent.
It can also go smooth and easy and we are in perfect harmony … and eventually it goes back to some challenge we are working through. We are stronger for it, we have and are healing many ancestral patterns we have both brought in to this relationship and we are paving a way for a better life for our future generations.
This is how it works in the evolution of relationships, we choose other souls way before we incarnate here to help us have these adventures in the relationships we have with them and we hope to depart wiser with purpose to our time here and support others to do the same.
Relationships are for healing, it’s why we have them. Once we are ‘down here’ we attract those who can support us in our adventures of our soul, which is to have a wide range of experiences feeling a range of emotions and working through them. Some of these experiences can be terribly painful and some can be blissfully happy and it can get routine and monotonous but we can always count on life to through us a curve ball and make the emotional waves again. We need others close to us to help us do it, we can’t do it alone.
Our energy determines a lot of it and we can easily get stuck in patterns that don’t serve us.
We reflect to each other what we are needing to heal within ourselves. It’s not always straightforward but it always comes back to us, whether you can identify with it or not.
What you judge in others is what you are secretly judging in yourself, it might be denied, deflected, defended, delayed, dismissed or justified so if any of those come up for you know it’s a sabotage that is hiding the truth from you. If you look back in my story we had a few of these come up and I can say I did a lot of justifying before I was able to hear the truth.
The biggest lesson I have only recently learned this year is that I must forget who the messenger is and listen to the message. I would often dismiss important learning I needed to hear because I didn’t like who was telling me.
I learned I had to stop judging him in order to hear what he was saying and then I had to stop judging myself so I could find love and compassion for what was coming up to be healed within me.
It’s called facing and embracing your shadow and it’s uncomfortable and ugly and messy and so very necessary to heal. I was sick of staying stuck in my patterns so I was being very honest with myself, and what better person to help me see my shadow than the ones closest to me?
I also healed another close relationship which meant the world to me and issues had been building for several months. I was so scared to make a move for fear of ruining it but I eventually put my trust in myself and in her that we were strong enough to work through it together …. we had to get uncomfortable though before we were able to heal and I’m so happy I took the risk because it’s better than ever now that I’ve done the healing work and cleared the air.
Along this intense healing journey of the last year I worked with coaches to support me and I had to dig in and be very vulnerable. I had to allow myself to have all those feelings I’d been pushing down because they were too painful before, many of them I didn’t even know were there because they were buried deep and once I felt them they left me.
I’ve done this before and I’m sure I’ll do it again however this time around it’s been a deeper layer of vulnerability and learning to love my shadow side, to see it as a sign post to show me what comes next. I’ve shed a lot of old pain and have gained a lot of wisdom and I know this is all to help me to help others do the same.
I hope you can now look at your current relationships from a different point of view and see how they are here to help you, especially the most troublesome ones have the biggest opportunity for the healing and growth within you.
Let me show you the way…
If this is resonating with you and you are curious to see how it might apply to your life let’s talk about it on a Clarity Call where we will explore what are the next best steps for you.
You will walk away with ideas customized to your journey and if working together is a good fit for us great, however either way I will provide guidance to help you get more clarity on what direction to take that is best for you at this time. This is my promise to you because I know it takes courage to face and embrace your shadow.
With much love,