What I have discovered in my journey to the Real Me is that I was not being me a lot more than I realized!
I used to think my life wasn’t that bad and I had it pretty good because I didn’t experience half of the painful childhood experiences as some of my closest friends did, and really I didn’t, on the surface.
My Mom did the best she could, she always gave us as much as she could being a single parent. She would do fun things with us and all the other kids thought she was the coolest Mom. I agreed, and I love her for never outwardly judging me, she always accepted me for who I was. It was ME who was my own judge and jury. I didn’t need anyone else to help me although I did have help along the way in my early life experiences, they just weren’t ‘traumatic’.
What kept me stuck was I wouldn’t let myself relax and have fun, I would resist it to no end. I felt self-conscious and awkward when I saw my Mom and sister being silly, dancing, and singing … it made me want to die of embarrassment. I wouldn’t take risks, I was always scared, and then I turned 13 and something shifted. I remember feeling so left out while I was waiting for them to get off the Flyer at the Exhibition, thinking I was sick of not having any fun and if I was meant to die on a rollercoaster ride then so be it. 😉
So that’s when I started taking risks and unintentionally gave my power away over and over again. To boys, to peer pressure, to society, to feel accepted. It was a traumatically painful year for me which put me right back to playing it safe. And that’s how I rolled for the next 30 years, being who I thought others wanted me to be and squashing who I really was, I lost myself without realizing it.
I met my soul mate early on in life and we had a family in our early 20s, we owned our own home by the time I was 25 and life seemed pretty good. On the surface it looked like we were doing really well and truthfully we were, on the outside looking in.
If you know anything about soul mates, they are here to teach us and learn from us and we did just that, it was a lot of years of the ups and downs of emotions, the good, bad and ugly. We always came back to love but it was turbulent for both of us and still can be at times, but since we have healed so much of our past it’s farther and few between.
I’ve now accepted that we just feel deeply together and I denied that for a very long time. I believed that it was wrong to be emotional, sensitive and express feelings such as anger, which grew into resentment. I don’t recall getting angry much in my past, I stuffed a lot of the injustice I felt because I was scared of conflict. That led me to becoming passive aggressive in my approach because there was an internal battle going on within me between who I really was and who I thought others wanted me to be. I always chose to be the later and that caused me to judge myself immensely. I didn’t realize how hard I’ve been on myself over my life until just this last year as I’ve dug in deeper.
My story is a familiar one, so many of us experience these types of fear feelings due to feeling separate and alone. The opposite of love and feeling connected to others.
This is our biggest lesson we can learn here, to love our self despite all of it, who we are, what we have or don’t have, what we have done or have not done, what we are thinking … we judge it all and are conditioned to do so.
We must commit to taking ownership of our life and discovering and accepting our ‘bad’ qualities hidden inside, so close yet buried deep underneath with a wall of protection because our heart closed. We will become physically diseased if we don’t do something different, I know I was growing Cancer in my colon and I found out when I made a change and took a chance on me.
What I have learned on the journey to the real me is that pain is pain, I never before acknowledged it, validated it, and witnessed mine, I didn’t feel worthy of it.
I learned I must unlearn most of what I thought was true, what I was conditioned to believe. That involved healing the past because this is why I experienced it, why I forgot my truth and had to find it.
No shortcuts, I had to feel those feelings I avoided all along, I had to embrace my ‘bad girl’ and take risks of failure, rejection and the thought of doing it alone to take my power back. I had to practice believing and trusting myself.
I’ve been through many experiences to bring me to where I am and will continue evolve. I have discovered I am quite the opposite of who I was being for the majority of my life so I get it.
These are some of the adventures of our soul that we didn’t realize we were signing up for when we took on this mission.
All of the above has to happen before you can release the old stories and create a new story that is the truth of who you are. Oh and we don’t have a say in the timing, we can only follow and trust with what we know of in this reality and keep moving along, having gratitude for the adventure of it all.
I think you can see the theme here, it all boils down to self-love and self-acceptance. So every day be your own biggest cheerleader no matter what. Whether you mess up or shine bright, love prevails because it does not judge, it only loves.