I have always been a very shy person, I mean to the extreme. I have always been very concerned with what others thought of me and this concern turned into a fear of putting myself out there, and living a life that was true to me.
Looking back, I can see where these beliefs and this story began to take shape. For my own journey it began with no father in the picture.
I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Is the belief that instilled on me, and I know that I am not the only one with this belief deeply ingrained from an early age! To move past this first hurdle I overcame with forgiveness, acceptance and love. Throughout my life that theme continued as I have never felt like part of a the crowd, so in my teenage years this self sabotaging behavior showed up as ‘lots of trouble’ including two arrests at 13, just to try and feel like I was a part of something and like I fit in somewhere. This lifestyle shook me so much that after the arrests I swung to the complete other side and moved from a place of rebellion to one of extreme safety – and wanting to keep everyone happy.
I kept the same boyfriend for 6 years just to feel stability, as the years went on I was drawing myself further from who I truly am and further protecting myself from society. I eventually broke up with that ‘stable’ boyfriend as I ventured out into the world. By fate I met (my now) husband, and he was a refreshing change. He never cared what others thought and was kind and sweet and funny. I then moved my protective shell slightly larger to include him as well as our two children shortly after.
My main focus was then about family, about being as supportive towards my family as I possibly could. There was no need for boundaries or limits to what I would do – I have to be liked, to feel good enough, and the thought of being myself, going after what I want or putting myself first was outrageous! I showed this same pattern in my career, always playing an assistant role, the fixer, the organizer, the one who brings people together and takes care of everything. I was always the one to organize family gatherings, always helping others to the point that I did not have boundaries and was taken advantage of.
It took many years of this before I finally hit my breaking point. I was giving out so, so, so much, but not allowing myself to receive any. Not taking care of myself. I felt like I had to do it all, that no one else would do it, or if they did it would cause them pain.
Everyone counted on me and I felt like that was my job, to handle it ALL.
Life was happening ‘to me’ I was allowing myself to travel in a direction that I didn’t even notice was breaking me down. I didn’t even really have an identity, a sense of myself – I was a helper, fixer and supporter. I would rarely allow myself to have what I wanted or even allow myself to consider what I wanted – it never occurred to me, or if it did, was quickly brushed under the table.
It was during all of this that I began to feel a pull towards the spiritual side, but denied that part of myself. Again, I did not want to be judged and felt awkward that I had this interest and wasn’t sure how to talk about it.
BEGINNING OF THE BREAKING POINT
After a tragic accident that affected my immediate family, I found myself taking on EVEN more of a supportive role, and because the tragedy was emotionally draining on my daughter I found myself jumping in to fix every little thing without regard for how I was doing. This was the beginning of my wake up call – after years of becoming more and more of a people pleaser, it finally culminated in a panic attack while I was driving. It started to become clear to me that if I didn’t do something for MYSELF I was going to be the one who ended up in the hospital.
My body was even trying to get the message across to me through various aches, pains and other bodily warning signs that I found hard to ignore. My body was screaming at me, but it wasn’t until the panic attack that I finally opened my eyes and allowed myself to see it for what it was – time to reconnect with myself and look within.
Finally dodging a cancer scare was enough to shake me up and wake me up. It propelled me into my personal development journey and for that I am grateful.
THE WAKE UP
I started to ask the really tough (at the time) questions:
What do I want out of life?
What makes me happy?
Realizing that I wasn’t stepping into my power, that I wasn’t really using my voice at all.
Slowly I started learning more about myself, learning more about where my fears were coming from, examining my past and doing a lot of forgiveness work on what I was finding to undo the repressed emotions that I had been so used to pushing down.
My forgiveness allowed me to release much pain of the past, even towards those that I no longer have a relationship with and I was also able to begin the process of forgiving myself.
The realization of what I actual thought about myself, and that I was, as they say, my own worst enemy was true.
I was then able to realize the power of self love, and started to make conscious choices that honored me, and that prioritized my needs. These choices were little things that all added up to major life changes. It was only after some time of this, that I have now become able to go after the things that I want and understand what they are!
I am now able to focus on the things that mean the most to me on a personal level, without feeling like I am taking away from my family and friends – knowing that as I allow myself to engage and enjoy with my own passions, I help to uplift those around me by example.
I was able to tap into and access the principles that were most important to me such as love, spirituality, intuition, kindness and acceptance.
I noticed as I focused on these, and felt the energy that went along with them, I could feel it in my whole body and knew this is where my passion lies.
The more I express my truths, and connecting with others through these principles the more energized and passionate I become, and the more people I want to reach with my message.
The more I look within and heal the past, the more I am able to fully enjoy life, and the more positive surprises I am presented with.
Without even trying, my own personal changes, and shifts in perception are positively affecting those around me. Uplifting them from an energetic level, as opposed to forcing, pushing and trying to be the ‘fixer’ before, I can now help others from a place of love for myself that extends out to them.
Before my ‘shift’ I felt stuck, unhappy and lost.
As I continue my journey I am moving further away from those emotions and closer and closer to who I truly am in a place of love, compassion and kindness.
I would love to connect with you, hear about your journey and how I can support you in living a life that feels good and is in alignment with who you truly are.